The Burden

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sum?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

-Langston Hughes


I feel like I'm under the pressure of a heavy load today. Like I'm entertaining an audience of all my bygone failures and deferred dreams. It somewhat stems from having filed my taxes this afternoon and finding out that I owe a lot more than I had planned on, but there are other varied sources for the pressure.

Now I may not be from Harlem (the title of the above poem is Harlem [2]), but I believe I know the feeling of a dream deferred. When I suffered from depression for a large chunk of my life, dreams/creativity were a way of dealing with the problem. In high school, I wanted to be a movie director/writer and spent a lot of my time thinking of movie ideas, writing scripts and synopses, and watching movies. When I went on campus visits, I tried to check information about possible majors that would correlate with what I wanted to do, but in the back of my mind, I always knew that I couldn't do it. In the end I knew I couldn't go to a Northwestern or a Notre Dame to study film because it wasn't practical. At Iowa State I could get a good engineering degree for about $100000 less than the film degree would cost elsewhere.

Then came psychology. I was enamored by how interesting psychology was I started in the field. I had a few professors in particular who absolutely loved teaching psychology. When I sat there in class, I knew that I wanted to love my job that much, whatever I did, and wouldn't teaching psychology be great? I continued in the field, and it came time to apply for grad school. I only applied to Iowa and Iowa State, seems brave old Kev is too afraid to move very far from home. The package at Iowa was easily six times the value of the offer from Iowa State, which was ample in it's own right. Iowa was offering a fast-track to success. Life in the fast lane. It seems that brave old Kev can't even move at all, choosing to stay in Ames, finish 90% of his grad work and thesis over two years, and then with little notice to his department, walk out the door, probably letting it hit him in the ass on the way out.

Less Than Jake released a song on their "Hello Rockview" album entitled A Boring Life in a Boring Town. Some lyrics read:

A boring life in a boring town with the same old crowd
I used to say that I'd never stay but I'm rotting here today
With that same old crowd that's always been around
It's just another wasted day.

Not exactly positive and encouraging, is it? Now, I don't feel like that exactly, I certainly don't believe I'm rotting here in Ames (I do think Ames is a great city), nor do I hang out with the "same old crowd", but there are some similarities? What am I doing here? I'm currently painting houses for a living. It's an honest living, but I just found out that the 34K I thought I made this year is less than 25K after taxes. I've had the "Self-Employment Taxes Blues" running through my head today. Now, 25K ain't bad, and money isn't everything, but it's something. It's a fine amount if I'm single, which I won't be soon!, but it's not great for things like starting a family, buying a home, investing for the future, planning for retirement, etc. And I'm making considerably more than minimum wage. How do those people do it? I just feel like I've worked hard all year and tried to be a conscienscious saver and it hasn't amounted to anything.

So what do I do? I don't know what I'd like to do. I think that's the thing. I don't really have dreams anymore, I don't know a) what all of my talents are and b) how to use those given talents. Jake wrote a blog recently about not knowing what his spiritual gifts are. I'm right there, too. I'm the tree out the field bearing no fruit. I've led no person to Christ, I've never been very good at encouraging fellow believers, I've never led anybody to spiritual insights, and I doubt my character has ever led anybody question whether there might be something to following after Christ. I need to find some ways to serve my community and my church.

Hmm...

I suppose the things I dream about the most now are marrying Lana and playing ultimate. Am I going to be a good man for Lana, a strong husband, a solid provider, a wise family planner, and a loving and tender father? I hope so. I hope we can strengthen each other and have a synergistic effect, becoming even better together than our additive efforts alone.

I think about the Van Buren Boys a fair amount at work to take my mind off of endless repetitive sanding. I hope I can be a good leader and teacher and that my character can be a light for others, but in countless past experiences, I've shown my true colors.

It's a heavy load tonight.

I remember JimiMac and Derrick playing The Band song "Take a Load Off" at some parties back at 3103 West St. I wish I was at one of those parties right now, they had some great two-part harmony.

That reminds me, another time James and I were boxing with those inflatable gloves. He was mostly knocking me around, but I got off a well-timed shot to his face area and it moved him back and made him stumble a bit. I knew right then that that was the best I was ever going to do in a boxing match. It was time to retire.

Speaking of which, it's about time to retire. Good night. Tomorrow is another day.

My newest post

I'm not sure if I should post about college basketball, or about the movie 300, which I saw last night. Maybe both.

As far as basketball and I are concerned, I've usually only watched Iowa State games, and those in decreasing frequency. Once they can win on the road in Boulder, I might start watching again. More and more, I find myself watching basketball games where I have no interest in watching a particular team win, but just to watch high quality basketball. This year, I've seen three games that I consider some of the best I've ever watched. I saw the second Ohio State-Wisconsin game about three weeks ago. I watched Texas A&M-Texas about a weeks and a half ago, and watched Kansas-Texas this afternoon. All three games went down to the final shot, all games featured clutch shooting, and all had great performances by the best players.

Kevin Durant is particularly impressive. He was "held" to 37 points today, which is what the announcers kept repeating, but I guess it did take him almost 30 shots to do it. I looked over his season stats and he scored over 30 points a number of times this season, frequently grabbing 10+ rebounds to go along with it. He's not much of a passer yet, though, as he averages about 1 assist per game. His most impressive effort was a 37-point, 23-rebound game against Texas Tech, I believe. Throw in a couple of blocked shots and you have some player's career stats thrown into one game. Analysts and sportscasters say he could and should be the first ever freshman to win the college player of the year award. I don't know who else could win it. Durant is among the top-5 scorers and rebounders in the country, he blocks shots, shoots free throws surprisingly well, can shoot 3's, and his team is among the best in the nation, largely because of his efforts. I'd like to see him play college for another year or two, but it is very unlikely he will stay.

I don't like watching NBA game at all. It never really seems like the players care about winning, not like in college games. You don't get a lot of the same emotion in the NBA. In college, it looks like those players just love playing basketball, not so in the NBA. I remember something from social psychology where when people are paid money to do things they enjoy, they lose their enjoyment and it starts to feel like a chore. I wonder if that is how the majority of pro sports players feel, like they don't get as much enjoyment out of playing once they are getting paid. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure they enjoy the money, but do they enjoy the game as much?

Which I suppose is a good lead-in into 300. The movie featured the famous "300" Spartans that fought against an army estimated between 500000 and 3 million Persians and held their own before being betrayed by one of their own. They eventually all perish, but a Persian general later asks what payment the men had received for fighting and he finds out they were fighting of their own free will, their reward was glory.

I saw the movie with 5 others, who mostly thought the movie was too epic. I liked it just fine. I did about two hours of internet research about the battle today and found out that most of the big lines from the movie are actually quotes from those people.

When a Persian officer says that their arrows will be so many they will blot out the sun, the Spartan captain responded with "All the better. We shall fight in the shade." When a messenger for Persia come to ask for "earth and water", the typical offering given to King Xerxes, King Leonidas really did throw the messenger down a well and told him to find his earth and water down below. When the King Xerxes gives Leonidas a chance to surrender and tells the Spartans to give up their swords and shields, Leonidas really did respond with "Come and take them." It is actually the motto of a division of the armed forces in Greece. After reading more about it, I found out the the translation "Come and take them" is not a perfect translation. That translation implies that if the Persians were able and could defeat the Spartans, they could have them. Apparently, the actually translation should be something like, "After you've defeated us, you can have them." Leonidas was letting Xerxes know that they were prepared to die and knew they would die, and that only then could they take the weapons.

I thought that some of those lines and others in the movie were too witty, like people wouldn't say some of those things, but as I read about the Spartans, I was surprised to find out that they were a people known for their wit. The writer of an article I read called it their laconic wit. When a king once warned the Spartans that "if I make it to Sparta, I shall destroy the city and its people", the Spartan king sent a one-word reply, "if".

I was particularly intrigued by how disciplined and oriented the Spartan soldiers were. Each Spartan was responsible for guarding the soldier next to him, not himself, and in battle movements and strategies, the Spartans moved as a cohesive "one". They held certain attitudes about the way fighting should occur. They thought that combat should be at close-range and in the movie, when arrows shower down upon the Spartans, Leonidas claims that it is a cowardly way to fight. I read today that Spartans who left the group and fought wildly and undisciplined, even when they defeated their enemies, where not given as much honor and respect as those who fought with the unit. In the movie, I think they briefly touched upon it when the captain's son dies, he goes on a killing rampage, and the King just notes that he is suicidal and doesn't seem to appreciate what most would consider the captain's brave acts and deeds by running into the front lines alone. Also, in the movie, the dude who loses his eye and goes back to Sparta apparently was held in less esteem and shunned in Sparta for leaving the battle, even though he was ordered to by Leonidas. Another soldier, who wasn't in the movie, was asked to leave during the battle but to come back. He arrived as the Persian armies had defeated the Spartans and because he hadn't been there, hung himself in disgrace.

Hmm, a good movie, that 300, but I think I've had more fun reading about it afterwards.

7 things

51. The Depahted. A great movie, probably the best I've seen in a long time. Some people I know say they didn't like it because it didn't live up to the hype. I suppose I'm not sure it should have won best picture (at least I think it won best picture), but it was a very solid story with great acting. There were some things I didn't like, though. The dependance upon and widespread use of cell phones in the movie was lame. I didn't like the fade-out scene at the very end of the movie either, where the rat walks across the railing. Very cheesy. I guess I didn't really care for the sexual dialogue at various parts of the movie. They didn't really advance the story or add depth to characters and was rather pointless. Still, the best movie I saw this year, although I don't see a lot of movies.

52. Injuries. I hope that the end of my ultimate career isn't decided upon by an injury. I've been fairly lucky to have had no major injuries thus far in my playing days. I can't imagine how disappointed I would be to have a season ending injury take place. It sounds like Becky broke his wrist and might not be playing this spring. Well, I hope it heals fast and you're able to play with your college team. But, there are much worse things in life than not being able to play ultimate. If it happened to me, I'd be bummed for a week or so, but I'm sure I'd find something else to do.

53. Comments. I haven't been able to comment on people's blogs recently. I try to sign in, but they have the new blogger/old blogger thing and I either get my email address wrong or my password wrong or I'm just an idiot, but I can't sign in to comment on other peoples' sites. In the past I've wanted to comment on Mike's and Becky's but haven't been able to and Lou's a couple of times, but oh well. Lou, I've enjoyed your last couple of blogs. I'm interested in reading your future topical blogs upon various Minneapolis characters.

54. I have a desire to play a lot of Settlers of Catan right now. It is a nerd board game; one of those that takes about an hour or two to play. Basically, you randomly set up a board made of hexagons which have a resource on them (brick, wood, sheep, wheat, or stone). Each hexagon also has a number on it. Players place settlements upon the tri-intersections of the hexagons. On each turn, dice are rolled. If a hexagon that a player is touching has the corresponding number from the roll of the dice, then that player gets a resource card. Players use resource cards to purchase road, extra settlements, upgrades to cities, etc. Very nerdy. But fun. A couple of years ago, me and three others played this game about 4 or 5 night a week for a summer.

55. I came to the conclusion the other day at work that the Rolling Stones are the greatest example of a rock band that there can be. Their music defines what rock and roll is. I guess I don't care for all of their music personally, but I do feel like they are the quintessential rock band. Mix in the great guitar riffs, the lyrics, the sexuality, the drug use, the tours, the fans, and a little bit of Can't You Hear Me Knockin' and you've got the history of rock and roll.

56. Hmm. I had a list of ten things I was going to blog about, but on the flip side of the sheet of paper, I had a list of people to invite to the wedding and Lana nabbed the sheet. Now I don't know what I was going to blog about. Reading over what I've now written, I'm not too impressed, either.

57. I may be buying two pairs of cleats, both off of ebay. Probably a stupid thing to do, but I want some Nike Mercurials again. My orange shoes were my favorite, and now I want both a black pair I found and a white pair. Maybe I won't end up buying either.

That's enough.

Later.