The Burden

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sum?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

-Langston Hughes


I feel like I'm under the pressure of a heavy load today. Like I'm entertaining an audience of all my bygone failures and deferred dreams. It somewhat stems from having filed my taxes this afternoon and finding out that I owe a lot more than I had planned on, but there are other varied sources for the pressure.

Now I may not be from Harlem (the title of the above poem is Harlem [2]), but I believe I know the feeling of a dream deferred. When I suffered from depression for a large chunk of my life, dreams/creativity were a way of dealing with the problem. In high school, I wanted to be a movie director/writer and spent a lot of my time thinking of movie ideas, writing scripts and synopses, and watching movies. When I went on campus visits, I tried to check information about possible majors that would correlate with what I wanted to do, but in the back of my mind, I always knew that I couldn't do it. In the end I knew I couldn't go to a Northwestern or a Notre Dame to study film because it wasn't practical. At Iowa State I could get a good engineering degree for about $100000 less than the film degree would cost elsewhere.

Then came psychology. I was enamored by how interesting psychology was I started in the field. I had a few professors in particular who absolutely loved teaching psychology. When I sat there in class, I knew that I wanted to love my job that much, whatever I did, and wouldn't teaching psychology be great? I continued in the field, and it came time to apply for grad school. I only applied to Iowa and Iowa State, seems brave old Kev is too afraid to move very far from home. The package at Iowa was easily six times the value of the offer from Iowa State, which was ample in it's own right. Iowa was offering a fast-track to success. Life in the fast lane. It seems that brave old Kev can't even move at all, choosing to stay in Ames, finish 90% of his grad work and thesis over two years, and then with little notice to his department, walk out the door, probably letting it hit him in the ass on the way out.

Less Than Jake released a song on their "Hello Rockview" album entitled A Boring Life in a Boring Town. Some lyrics read:

A boring life in a boring town with the same old crowd
I used to say that I'd never stay but I'm rotting here today
With that same old crowd that's always been around
It's just another wasted day.

Not exactly positive and encouraging, is it? Now, I don't feel like that exactly, I certainly don't believe I'm rotting here in Ames (I do think Ames is a great city), nor do I hang out with the "same old crowd", but there are some similarities? What am I doing here? I'm currently painting houses for a living. It's an honest living, but I just found out that the 34K I thought I made this year is less than 25K after taxes. I've had the "Self-Employment Taxes Blues" running through my head today. Now, 25K ain't bad, and money isn't everything, but it's something. It's a fine amount if I'm single, which I won't be soon!, but it's not great for things like starting a family, buying a home, investing for the future, planning for retirement, etc. And I'm making considerably more than minimum wage. How do those people do it? I just feel like I've worked hard all year and tried to be a conscienscious saver and it hasn't amounted to anything.

So what do I do? I don't know what I'd like to do. I think that's the thing. I don't really have dreams anymore, I don't know a) what all of my talents are and b) how to use those given talents. Jake wrote a blog recently about not knowing what his spiritual gifts are. I'm right there, too. I'm the tree out the field bearing no fruit. I've led no person to Christ, I've never been very good at encouraging fellow believers, I've never led anybody to spiritual insights, and I doubt my character has ever led anybody question whether there might be something to following after Christ. I need to find some ways to serve my community and my church.

Hmm...

I suppose the things I dream about the most now are marrying Lana and playing ultimate. Am I going to be a good man for Lana, a strong husband, a solid provider, a wise family planner, and a loving and tender father? I hope so. I hope we can strengthen each other and have a synergistic effect, becoming even better together than our additive efforts alone.

I think about the Van Buren Boys a fair amount at work to take my mind off of endless repetitive sanding. I hope I can be a good leader and teacher and that my character can be a light for others, but in countless past experiences, I've shown my true colors.

It's a heavy load tonight.

I remember JimiMac and Derrick playing The Band song "Take a Load Off" at some parties back at 3103 West St. I wish I was at one of those parties right now, they had some great two-part harmony.

That reminds me, another time James and I were boxing with those inflatable gloves. He was mostly knocking me around, but I got off a well-timed shot to his face area and it moved him back and made him stumble a bit. I knew right then that that was the best I was ever going to do in a boxing match. It was time to retire.

Speaking of which, it's about time to retire. Good night. Tomorrow is another day.